It's a Man's World

This may sound a little funny coming from me, but hear me out.  Why the fuck do I get automatic respect and credibility simply because I'm a man.  This is primarily related to work, but I see it in many aspects of my life.

A big part of my sexual fantasies involve forced feminzation.  Now there is of course a lot of variation in that particular fetish, but for me a big part of it is a power transference.  I'm a 'big powerful man' and I'm reduced to a 'small weak woman'.  The classic 1950s housewife and/or the classic 1960s office secretary.

So on one level, I get it.  But that's at the childish, base, me-tarzan-you-jane, me-hunt-you-gather, type level.  It's the same level that's racist and homophobic and just ridiculous.  For a sexual fantasy, it's fine.  For reality it's just stupid.  How does this apply to work?  Simple.  Nurses with years and years of experience still look to me for help.  They look to me to lead.  They automatically and regularly defer to my 'expertise', which in reality is limited to the fact that I have a penis.

Seriously.

That didn't last long

So I think I've talked a bit about how I wish I could game more.  More often than not I go out and buy a new computer game, play it for a few days (maybe a week or so), and then drop it never to play it again.  I don't even play Team Fortress 2 all that much any more.

But even knowing that, I still go out and look for new games to play.  Sometimes I have a few hours to kill, sometimes I have read about or seen a new games.  Sometimes I just get an itch and get the newest biggest thing to hit the market.

So back in March of this year I bought Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands game.  My brother, my cousin, and I all played through Tom Clancy's the Division for awhile and enjoyed ourselves so this seemed like a no brainer.  I played it on and off for a few months and then maybe around June it started to have a problem.  I would be playing it for awhile (sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours) and it would just lock up.  The screen would go black and the computer would completely lock up.  I could still hear the game through the speakers, but it was just the background sounds.  Even if this happened during a fire fight, I couldn't hear myself or the enemies.  So... an unusual type of crash.

A Friend Knows My Secret

There's no hiding the big reveal until the end in this post.  Last weekend I told a friend that a part of me is Caitlyn.

I didn't spill all the beans, but I told him enough of what's going on inside my head so that he knows I am at least partially female, and that part of me has a name and a personality all her own.

This is my friend A.  Not the A that lives down in Texas, but the A that lives closer to me (I really have to get a better way of shortening and obscuring the names of people I know).  Anyway, A and I went out to a local brew pub, shared some beers (very tasty beers) and some pizza, and then ended back at his place.  This is our normal weekend hanging out together. He generally works on Saturdays so I meet up with him after he's gotten out of work, we go eat and drink and chat, we walk around and chat, then end up back at his place and chat some more.  He drinks more than me, so more often than not he ends up quite inebriated and I end up frustrated as our talks break down after that.

A is one of my friends that I've considered telling about Caitlyn before.  He's a good man.  He's open and honest and open minded.  I had it in my head that I'd tell him this weekend, but I just didn't know how.  I mean, this isn't exactly a subject that you bring up out of nowhere, but at the same time it's not something that you just slide into a normal conversation either.  Talking about it at the brew pub wasn't really an option as I wanted it to be less public than that.

The 'NO' Man

It seems I have a new nickname at work.  A few nurses have been jokingly calling me this for awhile, but I actually heard our physician say this to me just a couple days ago.  I am evidently now known as...

The 'NO' Man.

I know from this and my blog that a 'NO' Man could be quite the funny.  But no, they don't know anything about Caitlyn or my femme proclivities.  No, what they're referring to is my capability to look a patient in the eye and simply tell him No.

Can I have some Tylenol?  No.  Can I have a bottom bunk detail?  No.  Can I have a base unit detail?  No.  Can I get some softer shoes?  No.  Can I see the doctor?  No.  Can I not be charged for this visit?  No.  Can I see a different nurse?  No.

No.

It's really quite simple to say, especially when it's not coming from a point of malice.  And I honestly don't work from a point of malice.  I don't want to hurt anybody or piss anybody off or not provide someone with medical care.  But I saw a facebook meme recently that seems to fit my work persona quite righteously:

I'm so sick of work

I think I might be having trouble at work.  I have a pretty good job with good benefits.  At my current level of experience I get 4.7 hours of annual leave and 4 hours of sick time each and every pay period.  So more or less, each month I get a day off of work if I'm sick or have other health concerns.

I put it that way because I can use 'sick time' for preplanned medical procedures.  I used sick time when I had my wisdom teeth pulled.  I used sick time when my mother had an procedure done at the hospital.  And of course there's the more often used... calling in sick to work (or as I use it, going home early because I'm sick).

Now I know everybody is an individual and comparing something like this to other coworkers isn't exactly a good idea.  But it's about all I have.  My coworkers have a LOT of sick time built up.  Enough so that when we're fully staffed and slow they'll use their sick time to go home early instead of their annual leave.  They do it regularly enough that our supervisor would ask 'OK, who has a headache?' instead of 'OK, who wants to go home?'.

Many of them also have long term disability and that comes in two price points.  You pay full price for it until you have 130 hours of sick time in the bank, then you get a steep discount.  If you never used sick time, that should take you about a year to build up.  Most of my coworkers have that steep discount as they've collected well over 130 hours of sick time.

So... I bought a dildo.

I thought long and hard (go ahead... laugh at the unintended double entendre) about where to post this.  The Masks blog or here.  I mean, is this Caitlyn or Calvin?  And I guess the best answer is that it's both.  And since I'm pulling 'Calvin' out of the 'Caitlyn' blog, I figure it should go over here.

But fair warning;  this is sexual and fetish and fantasy and open and honest.  I'm blushing right here and now just imagining what i'm going to be talking about and I'm only on the second paragraph.  I guess it doesn't help that I've already titled this post and I've already got that image of the woman in pink sunglasses (mask?) drooling on her dildo.  But anyway.... here it goes.

I posted earlier this month about a road trip I was going to take.  I took it, and it was just as fun and as relaxing as I was hoping for.  I didn't realize just how stressed out I was in just about every aspect of my life.   Work, Home, Friends, Family, Fantasy, Calvin, and Caitlyn.  I was stressed out and needed a break.  So the two days driving down was a good partial relaxation.  I felt the stress just melt away the two days I was with A and his family.  That left the two days driving back and that was... well, it was eye opening.

On The Road Again!

So I've found over the last few years that I really REALLY like traveling.  I mean I honest to god LOVE to travel.  Drive or fly, it doesn't really matter as they both have their own level of adventure.  I'm now constantly considering trips to make and/or thinking about my next vacation.

(Quick break here... I swear, the song that just came up on iTunes.... Radar Love by Golden Earring!)

Anywho, I like to travel.  Last year ended with a drive down to Dallas in early December.  This year began with a drive over to Detroit for the car show (North American International Auto Show).  I knew I was going to plan another few trips as well as some smaller side trips, but the long ones take planning.  Planning and Vacation time.  I've found out that it's actually quite rare for us to be fully staffed, so it can be hard to just 'take time off'.  It's not that the supervisor at work is mean and won't give it... but if we don't have another person to just cover my shift and they have to utilize overtime, it's a hard no. Thankfully between the Civil Service Commission and the Union, we have our twice annual vacation book.  In April and October we pass around a book and we get to lay claim to any days off we want.  Well... any days where someone more senior hasn't already laid claim (it goes around in order of seniority), and any days that you'll have enough vacation time for.

Musak Blues

I’ve had trouble as of late getting into new music.  At the very same time, I’m having trouble enjoying my own collection of music.  I WANT new music, but none of it is making me happy.  I’ve been using iTunes for my music since late 2003 and have purchased 875 pieces of music from them.  Here’s how that breaks down by year:

2003 – 8 (My first purchase was November 24^th of that year!), 2004 – 87, 2005 – 125, 2006 – 104, 2007 – 102, 2008 – 65, 2009 – 47, 2010 – 56, 2011 – 42, 2012 – 60, 2013 – 57, 2014 – 36, 2015 – 37, 2016 – 31

2017 – 16

Obviously the first few years I went a little crazy on purchasing music.  And simply by the numbers, this year is on track to be average for the last few years.  But here’s the rub.  This year PI purchased one song in January, one song in February, 11 songs on May 25^th, and 3 songs in the past couple days.  Most years I have a steady stream of new music.  I might go a month or two without something new, but not this long.  And that big burst of new music in May?  8 of them were from artists that I already knew and was simply exploring their back catalog. 

Goodbye Ginger, Hello Isabella

So back in November I posted my thoughts about my next car.  I was hyped about getting a lease and finally getting into smaller payments for a better car.  Well yesterday morning I finally took that leap.  The decision making processes to get here was tough though as I have had two leading drives for my cars;  fun vs goodness.  And I just kept sliding between those two drives.

Up until Fiona I had such a small budget for cars that I really just had to take what was available at that time.  When I got the Black Shadow of Death and Bellulah I wasn't looking for a fun car.  When I got Belinda and Lita I wasn't looking for a good car.  Those were just the best cars available when I was stuck looking for new cars.  But in 2013 when I had the opportunity to get a much newer car with a much bigger budget, I consciously made the decision to get a fun car.  I was considering the Hyundai Veloster, the Chevy Sonic, the Ford Fiesta, and of course what I ended up with, the Ford Focus.

Now, like any spectrum it wasn't JUST about fun.  With that purchase I was looking at two hours of driving a day so gas mileage was really important as was basic creature comforts.  A good stereo, comfortable seat, and techy toys.  But the reason I got Fiona was that gorgeous Yellow Blaze paint job.  For a year and a half I had a mile wide grin every time I walked out to see Fiona there waiting for me.

But after that year and a half I realized I could afford a lot more car.  Reason started to take over and I wanted a more 'mature' car.  Something that would look all adult and proper if I drove up to a job interview or meeting.  As I didn't want to lose out on the gas mileage and most small cars are on the fun size, I went with a Fusion Hybrid.  Ginger.  So long as I was driving that long every day, Ginger made the most sense.  Seriously, there wasn't another car that could do what she did without soaring costs in fuel.  Then the local job came up.

Hi There!

Hello World.  If you're just stepping in here for the first time, let me explain what exactly you're seeing here.

I have a blog called Caitlyn's Masks.  I create and share stories, illustrated stories, and captioned image stories that all relate to TG or transgenderism.  It's... well to be frank... it's graphic.  At it's most polite it can be called erotic fiction.  At it's most overt it can be called porn.

Anyway, I started that blog years ago and have a feminine persona to go along with it.  Caitlyn.  But I'm not Caitlyn... or I guess to put it most clearly, I'm not JUST Caitlyn.  I'm a guy.  When I started the blog I was at a dark time in my life.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was grasping at straws to find something to like, enjoy, love, and participate in.  I was dirt poor.  I had recently given up a career that with the schooling involved took up over a decade of my life, and was going back to school to start a new career.

When I finally got that job, when I got the chance to start my life again... I lost something.  I lost Caitlyn for awhile.  But I had such good relationships with the people I'd met as her that I wanted to continue to share with them.  I couldn't share the TG side of my life because that all but disappeared... but I could share the rest of my life.  Calvin's side of life.  The only problem is that I was incredibly nervous about someone in my alternate life (other people call it Real Life) would find this more open exploration of 'me' and connect the dots.  I could just picture a family member stumbling upon this new blog, connecting the dots, and realizing that this is in fact me.  And then following those breadcrumbs further back and finding...